2A and Hope

2023-01-09

go back

It's about 00:23 right now and I'm still awake. I was supposed to be asleep about an hour ago. I think it's partially nerves and partially my desire to try to finish a little bit more of what will probably be a decent text editor once I'm done with it.

I don't have anything cool or technical to say here honestly. I'm treating this post a little bit more like a journal than anything, so don't waste your time if you're not interested in it.

Also, this is really not a well thought out post. This is more for me than you and the odds that it reads like a brain dump rather than an essay seem to be very much in favour.

I guess I'm feeling anxious. Last academic term didn't go as well as I hoped. There were a lot of personal complications that I may choose to share in the future. I think we all have to eventually get to a place where we at least feel somewhat in control of what we're doing. I want to at least. I kind of had this feeling in 1B that my life was running me and not the other way around. It was plainly something that was unproductive and unhealthy for me.

I guess I'm really not sure what to do now. I've had a full year of university under my belt and yet I don't feel like I really know what I'm doing. Admittedly, I'm sure in some sense it comes down to lack of maturity and discipline. I make no claim to be right in having this feeling or that it is justified by my circumstances. I only mean to express that I do feel unsure of specifically how to make myself the better version of who I can be.

A schedule is a big part of it I think? It's something I always avoid but maybe this is the term that I can put more focus into it. I just have difficulty staying on track with things. I drop them too early and I need to figure out how to design systems to make it easier to stay with them. Hopefully a fast computer and good cross platform workflow helps to start but ultimately I think discipline is at stake.

I'm scared. I'm honestly pretty scared.

At the same time, I have hope. I'm not completely without any sort of hope for this term and my experience in it. Maybe something good will come out of this transformative part of my life.

The road certainly doesn't feel amazing once you're walking on it, but it looks inspiring at the beginning and impressive at the end.

Good night - I'll write some more in 2A.

Aiden